


Boredom

by DildoFaggins



Series: Harry Potter Indulgences [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Naruto
Genre: Confused Konoha, Excited Uchihas... in more ways than one, It's nice I swear, Multi, No care for side characters, Overpowered Harry Potter, Please read, Supposed to be funny but idk if it is
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-09-23 10:40:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17078798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DildoFaggins/pseuds/DildoFaggins
Summary: A wizard? What in the world Is that? Oh Kami, did that boy just transform the entirety of the Hokage's office into chickens? Well, Hiruzen looks none too surprised... even as a chicken...Damn that crystal ball.





	1. Konoha - Uzumaki Naruto

"That one."

 If you had asked Harry Potter how he was until just a week ago, he would have told you he was incredibly bored. Not unfulfilled, since he himself would admit he had had his fair share of adventure. Not unamused entirely, because no matter how one saw it, handling a school full of hormonal adolescents with the powers of imprinting their imagination in the very fabric of reality itself was never dull in any moment. 

 Just.... bored.

 Well, looking back on it, Harry Potter had had a brilliant life before opening his eyes in a completely foreign place. He had been present for the birth of his descendants- something that said a lot about his age, and thus, his experience, that he didn't even know how far his line had progressed. He would, however, tell anyone who asked that he was far from indulgent in the matter, especially after the passing of one Ginerva Weasley and 'the deception', as he had coined it. Given that he has also lost count of his age somewhere along the line, he wasn't quite aware of the passing of time as he should have been. The last time he'd celebrated his birthday he had been three hundred and ninety-four years old, and that was centuries ago.

 Currently, however, he was anything but bored.

 Exactly a month ago, he had woken up in this strange land, where men were so well versed with the ambient magical energy that they did not indeed need wands to use to manipulate it. Instead, they used hand-signs, or 'handseals' depending on who you asked, to perform limited yet grand feats. While Harry himself was far above such plebian measures to exert his own will upon reality, he could respect the notion that something he considered the barest of requirements was not at all involved in casting high-level elemental techniques, illusions, and working with the very body to enhance performance - a wand.

 But now he was rambling, not that it was something new.

 After two weeks of supposed 'obligatory imprisonment', during which he simply apperated out and explored the land, he was finally 'let out' legally. He could freely attest to feeling utmost satisfaction (amongst other things... The man did remind him of another well-meaning yet horribly-ending old man) when telling the Hokage that he had yelled the Kazekage's ears off about the proper upbringing of his son (while simultaneously casting a permanent feather-light charm on the man's 'gold dust', something he was still amused by) and watching the Hokage's face pale. He admitted he would feel the same if told he had visited every single hidden village and improved life there in exchange for citizenship.... that he had other affiliations already was overlooked because he just helped that much.

 Of course, his gestures of peace were not all that allowing for lackluster reciprocation after all. Dispelling the permanent mist that seemed to hang about in Kirigakure, conjuring an ever-full lake in Iwagakure, casting lesser perimeter wards in Kumogakure (and hadn't the Raikage felt better about that... for some reason, he feared retaliation from Konohagakure, although he wouldn't elaborate). Similar feats of simple yet strongly backed kindnesses had helped him become a citizen of every village except the one he was currently in, and another obscure one in Oto no Kuni.

 Regardless, these feats were nowhere near his current level of extreme anger. 

 The furniture in the room was levitating and spinning madly, and that was indication enough of anger even if one did not pay attention to the thunderous expression on his face.

 It wasn't often one found themselves another universe... especially if the original has an uncanny sense of empathy, honed with being a headmaster of a magical school that still had cases of abuse (surprisingly prédominant in the Slytherin house).

 In the little blond tyke, he had sensed a bit of himself. 

 "Are- are you sure?" The matron asked, eying the now wide eyed blonde with a large amount of contempt and, somewhere buried deep behind her heart, a bit of regret. "I mean... Ano... he's known to be a bit of... a troublemaker, the Uzumaki brat."

 The furniture promptly turned into snakes with ambient anger, who began hissing before almost immediately curling into a gigantic ball to mate..

 Well..., that was kinda embarrassing...

"Now listen here, the Hokage said he could adopt any children he took fancy to." The ANBU wearing a kuma mask uttered, sounding a mix of annoyed and angry at the same time. And indeed, who wouldn't be? Konoha'a resident jinchuuriki was garbed in nothing but a tattered the tshirt. Given that the young boy was the the tender age of four, and that the tshirt was probably meant for an adult, he kept tripping in his bid to run away from the scary 'green eyes'. 

 Harry simply ignored the mayhem that the dancing aggressive ball of snakes had wrought upon the sexually curious older teens and the innocent younger ones in the room (taking great care to ignore a scowling matron whenn a group of the older children morphs into a very accurate rendition of the snake mating ball and began rubbing each other with themselves in a weak attempt to copy) and kneeled down to scoop the young one in his arms, wandlessly and verbally repairing the tshirt and shrinking it as he did, while also automatically conjuring a pair of undergarments and brown shorts, not to mention a pair of sandals.

 Sometimes Harry loved magic.

 "Um- er- sir," the boy stammered out, managing to sound overjoyed, angry, and depressed all at the same time "I don't rink you want me. Nobody does around here"

 Harry barely calmed himself before he smote the whole village into one giant bonfire, but the matron of the orphanage cringed when the little remaining few pieces of furniture in the room simply disintegrated, clearly sensing that if the ambient chakra was turning things to ash, the young man was quite angry.

 "Oh, it's okay, blonde-kun." Harry soothed, holding the boy closer to his nonexistent bossom. "After all, you remind me more of myself than looking in the mirror ever did."


	2. Konoha - Uchiha Sasuke

Harry blinked.

 And then again, just for good measure.

 Then he cleared his throat. "Naruto?"

 "Hai, otou-san?" The cute yet somehow fearful strangled voice replied, and wasn't that somehow appropriate?

 Harry let his gaze shift from his son to the homage paid to the past Hokages in the form of a stone monument. "Exactly why have you painted penises on all of the Hokage faces?" He asked, skillfully ignoring the angered shouts thrown in his general direction. After all, years of practice had dulled him to the notion. Being continuously blamed for the world's problems while simultaneously being lauded as a hero does that to someone. He absently flicked a  _scourgify_ to clean up the messy, yet anatomically correct artwork. He only briefly entertained the notion of exactly how Naruto managed to paint something so thoroughly while out in the open in a startling orange t-shirt and white shorts but chalked it up to accidental magic. After all, he  _had_ blood adopted the little tyke, causing the startling blond hair to dull into a brownish-black hue and his eyes to turn sea-green. Thankfully, the messiness of his hair could also be attributed to his father; the fourth. 

 Obviously, being someone who looks for every minor detail, he hadn't missed the resemblance. 

 "Because I'm going to surpass all of them! I will be the greatest Hokage ever!" Naruto proclaimed. 

 Harry sighed. Why couldn't the younger have inherited the sense of calm that the older bore?

 "Alright. Nevertheless, we should move on to the next question."

 "Yes, otou-san?"

 "Who is the boy standing next to you?"

 And indeed, the boy standing next to his son was almost a carbon copy of the Uchiha who had been stalking him, presumably on the Hokage's orders (he hoped); except for the cheek lines, which were absent. And a much-shortened hairstyle. 

 "My onii-san will make me a better hokage than Naruto-baka!"

 "Sasuke-teme-!"

 Naruto could not say more, for he was gagging on the taste of soap in his mouth.

 "Now now, Naruto." Harry glowered, right hand still poised in the snapping stance. "Who taught you that word?"

 Naruto could not answer for he was staring despondently towards the sky, wordlessly screaming.

 Harry turned his stare towards Sasuke, who was the color of a tomato and resolutely not looking at Harry.

 "Sasuke-kun," Harry continued in the same tone of voice, "are you the one who informed Naruto of this... plebeian vocabulary?"

 Sasuke shuffled his feet cutely (but Harry couldn't squeal since he was pretending to be mad... and having fun) and looked away.

 Harry sighed, and snapped again so that Naruto's mouth was now soap-free; with the expression that the younger wore, however, he was thoroughly traumatised. "Very well. Follow me, the two of you."

 

**Several hours later**

 

Itachi looked up from his casual pokerface brooding to see his brother walk gracefully through the front door. His brother then gracefully sat at the dining table to be served, while gracefully tucking a napkin into the collar of his shirt and gracefully picking up his cutlery - a pair of chopsticks.

 His parents were wide-eyed.

 "Sa- Sasuke?" His mother whispered, tears in her eyes.

 "Hai, okaa-san?" Sasuke answered gracefully, gracefully lifting his head to gaze at his parents. 

 Itachi was so proud he could not hold it in. "You finally mastered the Uchiha Poker Face **™**!"

 "You finally learned to walk like the son of the Uchiha head should!" His father uncharacteristically gushed.

 "And didn't slouch! Or brood like Itachi!" His mother gushed, causing Itachi to turn a Poker Face **™**  on her.

 "Okaa-san, I do not brood."

 "Sasuke... how? How did this happen?!"

 Suddenly Sasuke dropped his pair of chopsticks and adopted a mask of horror. "I have  _seen things_."


	3. Konoha - Uchiha Itachi

Harry blinked.

The blushing boy in front of him blinked back, almost parroting the move.

It didn't help that the boy's brother was also present, proceeding to blink to complete the circle. 

"Okay... I'll think about it." Was the diplomatic reply, and Harry accepted the flower without much fanfare. "However, I would appreciate if, in the future, you would refrain from traumatizing my son to get a date from me."

The three of them turned to look, almost as one, to the brown-haired pre-pubescent boy almost frothing in delight.  "Ramen.... so many different types of ramen!" The boy murmured, lost in some foreign illusion that Harry was far too amused by to actually break him out of. He had already snapped a couple (dozen) of pictures. 

"And also, please quit ANBU to spend time with your brother." Harry tacked on almost absent-mindedly, waving his hand to gently coerce the trees apart to show a straightway back to the village proper. "I don't think that it's a nice thing to do when your father is a power-hungry maniac and gourmet mother is half-insane."

Sasuke bristled. "Harry-sama-!"

"She tried to give me poison as coffee yesterday." Harry patiently reminded him, ruffling his hair. "I don't know if that's a standard Uchiha tradition, but I'm sure if she didn't actually know about it that it counts as a mark towards being bat-shut crazy."

"It was just a cheering draught." Sasuke muttered petulantly. 

Harry smirked. "I'm way too cheerful to contain, anyway." He then proceeded to gleefully rub his hands together. "Would you like proof?"

In spite of their feelings towards him, both Uchiha brothers proceeded to magically (no pun intended) appear near a far-away tree and then vanish altogether (although the younger was far too confused for it to cause any actual mental hurt; Sasuke was downright adorable when frazzled). 

Harry smiled warmly and turned towards a still-dreaming Naruto. "Oh... we've got to work on Occlumency next, I guess."

"Yes... run away from me... the chase is the best part!" Naruto snickered. "Here, piggy, piggy!"

Harry wisely apparated as far away aways he could. 


	4. Konoha - Hidan and... someone

Harry blinked. He blinked again when he realized this was almost like a pattern forming.

The man kneeling prostrate in front of him blinked with a wide grin. It would have been disturbing were he not used to the image from seeing it in the mirror every morning.

Naruto blinked, too. Well, it was only natural that some quirks passed from 'father' to 'son' during the blood-adoption ritual... hn. Well, that was certainly evident by the fact that Harry had grown to develop a sudden urge to blurt out 'dattebane' during his speech nowadays.

The kneeling man's partner was wide-eyed. "Wait... this is your god? He looks like a woman!"

Harry glared at him. "Hey, it's not my fault my relatives starved me regularly and locked me in my cupboard! Have some tact!" He threw on a blush for extra dramatical flair. "How dare you insinuate-"

"Don't worry, dad." Naruto interrupted him, waving his hand. "If the original author didn't think it important enough to give him a name, then he'll probably die soon."

The nameless shinobi looked terrified. "But I don't want to die!"

'Sucks to be you.' Thought everyone present in the clearing... and Itachi Uchiha who was stalk- ahem! um... protecting.  Yes. Itachi Uchiha was quite the protector. 

Harry rolled his eyes. "So you're saying that you're immortal... because of me?"

"Yes!" Hidan crowed. "Oh, my lord, how I have longed to meet you-"

"There's a room available in the horse she'd until I'm done thinking about what to do with you." Harry helpfully offered, flicking his hand sideways to see the nameless accompanying ninja burst into flames. "Hm. Odd. That was only supposed to singe him a little... maybe he really was a side-character..."

"How may I serve you, my lord?" Hidan subserviently shouted. It was a very quiet sound. Not.

Harry looked between the man and his adopted son, who seemed to be sweating bullets. How? It wasn't even that hot outside yet. "Well... let's just say I have a few ideas..." He trailed, much to the dread of Hidan.


	5. Konoha - Anko Mitarashi

"Get back here, you albino bastard!"

"Bite me, you snake bitch!"

"Ahem."

It spoke of the pure authority the speaker wielded when both (previously running) shinobi ground to a complete halt.

Said normally-chaotically-insane man currently had an illusion (who knew whether it actually was so...) of a demon mask hovering in the air behind him. "So, here I am with my son, quietly trying to learn an extremely delicate piece of mental magic, and does it go as planned?" He clicked his tongue. "Oh no. Far be it for me to have a normal day in the god-forsaken village. Instead, I see my faithful servant and a slut flirting all the way from the market district to here." 

"Forgive me, my lord!" Hidan cried, falling to his knees. "All I did was touch-"

"Grope!" The slut corrected.

Before much else could happen, Harry flicked his hand and absently transfigured her current outfit into something much more conservative... a Victorian ensemble. 

"What the -"

"I genuinely hope you weren't going to swear." Harry smiled sweetly. Behind him, the eyes of the mask glowed a sickly green. "In my household, we wash our mouths with soap if we do."

She cringed. 

"Good." Harry smiled. There was nothing pleasant about it.

"Tou-chan, I think I have it." Naruto murmured behind him, blinking open his eyes slowly. When he saw the sight in front of him, he blinked again for good measure. "Eh?"

"Just a moment, Naru-chan." Harry called back. "Actually... no. Naruto, do you remember the spell I taught you a week ago?"

The little boy's eyes widened. "But that's-"

"No ifs, no buts." Harry clicked his tongue, walking to behind his adopted son and lifted his hand, pointed at the ground by the now prim-and-proper lady's feet. "Let's see how good your control is. Fire near her, but not at."

Someone (ahem ahem) hidden in the trees around the property gulped, and sent up a prayer to whichever sadistic god now ruled his universe for one Anko Mitarashi.

"Before we begin, slut, remember this." Harry spoke, face impassive. "You must find healthy coping mechanisms, not unhealthy ones. That's not healing, that's digging yourself a bigger hole."

The woman gaped at him.

"Go on, Naruto."

"Bombarda!"

"Fuck you, you little- hmf!"

"Language!"


	6. Konoha - 0946

Harry calmly stirred his cauldron. He required a batch of new restoratives since Anko (a pure tsundere, in his opinion) had given Hidan multiple snakebites. And while Hidan couldn't die (for reasons unknown), he could feel the pain. And nothing was worse than having to listen to a whining Hidan. Just... no. So currently his stock of it was empty.

An explosion rocked the background... and caused his cauldron to tip over, coating the entire floor in a green ooze.

Harry blinked, then set his ladle down. He gathered himself and walked outside.

He blinked again at the sight.

Hidan, Naruto, and Anko were currently standing in what he could safely say was a Mexican standoff against some black-clothed white-masked individuals.

"No one can hide from my snakes, bi-... um ... wimps!" Anko retorted, casting a nervous look towards Naruto.

"We are here for he who is known as Harry." The figure at the head spoke. "We were meant to be silent... it seems that someone forgot their cloaking jutsu."

No one shuffled to give away a guilty conscience. Hm. Good conditioning.

"We were taught against being passive-aggressive." One did say.

"You pus-... er ..." Hidan cast a nervous glance at Naruto, whose eyes were trained on the robed figures. "You cowards talk like you're dead!"

"Give us Harry and we will be gone." The leader repeated. "It says a lot that if someone had not forgotten their cloaking jutsu, we would not be in this position."

"I apologize." The one at his right flank replied. 

Naruto carefully leaned over to whisper to Anko, even though his voice was not soft at all, "Can I blast them now?"

"I... don't know, actually." Anko honestly replied. Even the snakes sprouting from her sleeves tilted their heads in confusion. "Does your old man know these people? They were sneaking, but they were pretty bad at it. I bet your old man would be, too."

"We are now being compared to a civilian in stealth capabilities." The leader intoned, voice monotone. "Perhaps if someone had not forgotten their cloaking jutsu..."

"...."

"Alright." Harry finally broke the tension, stepping onto the scene. "What's going on here?"

"We came here to kidnap you." The leader spoke, drawing out a kunai. "It was to be a silent mission. We were trained by the best in stealth. But someone forgot their-"

"I said I'm sorry." The second figure to speak interrupted, voice a little tense. Hm. Conditioning has not taken full hold. Perfect.

"Imperio." Harry calmly said, then spoke much more strictly. "Who sent you after me?"

"Shimura Danzo." The second in command replied. 

"Never heard of him." Harry honestly muttered.

Anko snarled. "That bas-... um... that's  the Hokage's advisor. One of them." 

"It seems I need to have a chat with our benevolent leader." Harry said, sighing and releasing the spell. Je swiftly summoned the second man to his side and knocked him out. "Okay. You may now proceed to... as the new generations say, 'go nuts'."

"Finally! Sen'ei tajashu!'

"Become a sacrifice for my lord!"

"Bombarda!"

"I still say this wouldn't have happened if 0946 had used his cloaking jutsu."


	7. Konoha - Nara Shikaku

"Let us proceed with the meeting. What issues must be brought up today?"

Sarutobi Hiruzen was having a good day so far. He'd slept well, met his grandson, young toddler that he was, before arriving to the office, and the only thing on agenda today was this Council Meeting. All his paperwork for the week was dealt with, and he was free to laze around and smoke weed- ahem! Smoke in his office.  Without involving any drugs. Yes.

"That... that demon and his demonic guardian have wrecked havoc in my family!" Uchiha Fugaku snarled. "He made my elder son quit ANBU and my younger son practically worships the ground he walks on! I demand that they be removed from Konoha!"

"We won't be removing our jinchuuriki from the village anytime soon." The lone civilian representative on the council snorted. "That'd be idiocy. And Harry-san is very-"

BANG!

ANBU agents immediately descended from the ceiling,  ready to tackle any threat... and found themselves turned into pugs. Cute pugs. Inazuka Tsume had to stop herself from leaping over the table and cuddling them. Her partner Kuromaru, however mature, had no such restrictions; he proceeded to pull them into a game of tag.

Through the roughly opened door entered Harry, robes billowing as dark as night, aura so fear inducing that one would choke on their-

"Achoo! Ugh, who's smoking pot in here?" He demanded, rubbing his nose. "I'm allergic to the fumes." He explained, as if he hadn't just intruded upon a high-echelon village meeting. "Thank god Hidan isn't here. He practically lives on the stuff."

"..."

"Anyway, so. Which amongst you is Shimura Danzo, otherwise known as the 'asshole who won't let me live in peace'?"

The entire gathered party turned as one to gaze at the man in question in a confused manner. 

"Oh. It's you." Harry sighed. "Honestly? I kind of expected it. I mean," his eyes flashed gold for a moment before they returned to their viridian state, "you've got another man's flesh grafted onto your arm. Your profile as 'meddler' fits perfectly." 

"What is the meaning of this?" Hiruzen demanded, standing. "Harry-san,  while I respect you-"

He was interrupted by promptly being turned into a chicken. 

"Cluck cluck, kakaak!"

"No, I won't be turning you back. This form fits your heart." Harry smiled sweetly. "You think I can't feel your scrying? I let it continue because I knew you mean well, but then this man," here he aggressively jams his hand at Danzo, "sent a squadron of men to kidnap me. I am not all that sure anymore."

The office erupted into chaos, demanding that this strange man turn their Hokage back to what he was...

Until words suddenly turned into loud chicken clucking. Then silence. 

"Good." Harry nodded, approving. "Now. Stay still. Legilimens."

A few moments passed with confused clucking from the transformed chickens. Surprisingly, no one entered the office at all in that time. The silence was swiftly overturned when one of the pugs began chasing the chickens all over the place.

"Oh. Okay. I'm sorry, but neither I nor my son will be joining your 'Root' force." The wizard shook his head sagely. "I'm afraid emptying me of emotion would see this land turned on its axis... and not in a good way." He had to speak a little higher to be heard over the chaos... why was that pug humping the chicken? 

He turned to where Hiruzen was calmly perched on his armchair... currently vibrating with fury internally, but otherwise calm. It was good for the man's health that his anger wasn't directed towards the wizard. 

"Your friend here desecrated your first Hokage's grave angered turned over genetic material to an enemy of the state." He said, without preamble. "I must say, the parallels between you and my mentor are astounding. You even gave rise to your own snake-themed villain, albeit in your own ways... consider that the only reason I'm not killing you for even considering wiping out an entire clan for the errors of a few." He mused quietly, waving his hand and conjuring a little hat on the Sarutobi-chicken that said 'Dunce'. "Your habits of surveillance will have to end. You must understand, there's only so much I can tolerate."

Hiruzen clucked once. 

"I will be sending Naruto off to your Academy in a month. I daresay it's... important." Harry affirmed, tipping an imaginary hat to the chaotic room. "Thank you for giving me your time. Have a pleasant day."

The moment he walked out the door, which fixed itself, every transformed creature turned back to human. Council members fell flat on their faces from the sudden change. A particular ANBU was practically shaking in his boots when he caught Tsume's embarrassed glare, and stopped grinding against her immediately. 

"How troublesome." Shikaku sighed, internally swearing to keep his wife as far away from the man in question as possible.... and invite him to a game of Shogi. Preferably on the opposite side of the village from his clan compound.

"Danzo." Hiruzen quietly spoke. "I have some words for you."

The office waited with bated breath.

"Katon-"

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea why this got deleted, but I'm posting it again. I want to see this one through, dammit!


End file.
